Firefighting

A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks." "From now on," he said, "we're going to run this house the same way." When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to screw all night." The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" and his wife took off her clothes. "Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed. "Bell 3," and they began to screw. After two minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4!" "What's this Bell 4?" the husband asks. "More hose," she replied, "you're nowhere near the fire!"

Twinkie

There was a man and a woman having sex one day when suddenly their condom flew out the window. The woman ran outside to go get it when to her suprise a small boy was holding it. "Hey, I will give you 25" if you give that Twinkie to me," the woman said to the boy. "OK," said the boy. The woman handed the boy a quarter and off he went to his house, "Mommy! Mommy! A woman just gave me 25" for a Twinkie, but I got a good deal because I already ate the cream filling!"

Sandwhich

This guy is nearing the end of his senior year in highschool, unfortunately he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is about 5 or 6. One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his gal climb up to the top bunk. As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembering that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper,"lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato"if she wants a new position. "Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce,lettuce," it sounds. Then the little brother chimes in, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there, you're getting mayonaise all over my face."

Top Ten Reasons it Sucks to be a Dick

10. You've got a hole in your head.
9. Your master strangles you all the time.
8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.
7. You shrink in cold water.
6. You never get a haircut.
5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.
4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
3. Your best friend is a pussy.
2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.
And the number one reason why it sucks to be a dick:
1. Everytime you get excited, you throw up.

Asian Proverbs

1. Secretary not permanent fixture till screwed on desk.
2. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
3. Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
4. It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
5. Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
6. Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
7. Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
8. Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
9. Baseball wrong man with four balls cannot walk.
10. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
11. Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
12. Learn to masturbate -- come in handy.
13. Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
14. Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.
15. Virgin like balloon -- one prick, all gone.